From the Gossip Girl Report: The American Election Pageant


Gossip Girl XOXO , Staff Writer

Gossip Girl here, your one-and-only source into the scandalous lives of CdM’s very own elite.

Today we step away and take a look into the scandalous lives of the country’s overachievers. As we lounge among stockpiles of toilet paper in our underwear, politicians around the country are busy with speechmaking, rallies, advertisements, campaigning, and a lot more transfer of funds than they’d like to admit. Now that most aspiring candidates have dropped out, (to the dismay of many, New York Governor Cuomo has yet to declare candidacy) the race is down to Donald Trump, the incumbent, and Joe Biden, the Democratic nominee, assuming, of course, that no one decides to pull a Kanye West and make things interesting. Here is the official breakdown of what these candidates have going for him, as described by the authority on all things political. Namely, me!

Biden: The Default

America is divided into two parts: those who adore President Trump, and those who don’t, and it seems as though the latter group has decided that, for better or worse, Biden is their man. In their game of “Lesser of the Two Evils”, it seems like they have decided to watch and pray, à la Mike Pence, that Biden: 1) makes it to the election without any 2) mishaps that 2a) include politically incorrect, not to mention completely unnecessary, statements or 3) slaughter and slander from Trump should the two of them (God forbid) ever meet in a debate. Whew. Sounds like a lot of fasting and incense-lighting!

Biden’s strategy, it seems, is to keep his mask on, unflattering and uncomfortable as it definitely is, cancel his rallies in favor of campaigning from a basement, and assume that all those who voted for Obama will, naturally, ardently wish to see a return to the 2008 Obama days! Poor little Joe. If only things were that easy.

Trump: Tweeting, Golfing, and Bunkering

Fear not, America! If Trump gets reelected, America will absolutely be greater than ever, because it’s going to be great- amazing- just fine. It’s going to be so great! Our president will continue to solve all the problems of the world as he has bravely done so far during his presidency. And how will he do this? With tweets. Watch your back, Nancy Pelosi, Mary Trump, John Bolton, COVID-19, and other offenders of world peace! Trump has Twitter at his fingertips, and he will not hesitate to deal out justice. All it will take is a couple of retweets, and Trump’s enemies won’t know what hit them. Nancy Pelosi? The Republicans will take back the House! Mary Trump? Burn the books! Betsy Devos? Who needs books? John Bolton? He’s fired already! COVID-19? Don’t worry, by August, the virus will just disappear.

Supported by his loyal team (namely, Jared Kushner and the ever loving Ivanka), Trump will continue to tweet, golf, and befriend Putin, Kim Jong Un, and none of America’s allies. With a bunker at his disposal, and White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany nodding her heard during briefings towing the company line, nothing could possibly go wrong, and Trump will absolutely continue making America great.

Ah, politics. What an intriguing line of work! And who, you might ask, am I voting for? Now that’s a secret I’ll never tell.

You know you love me.


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