Gossip Girl here, your one and only source into CdM’s very own elite. I hope we are all doing very well and pretending to be very surprised at the results of the impeachment trial (spoiler alert: he was acquitted. But – love her or hate her – as Speaker Pelosi once said, impeachments are not judicial processes, they are very much political.)

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I have decided to lower my standards and go the cliche route by offering a guide to V-day for the poor, unfortunate singles, of which I know there are many. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secrets!)

Start off the day by rising early – after all, no time for snoozing when your singledom is real and a morning workout is waiting! After a crisp morning run and a few push-ups, step into the shower and do a careful shave (you can’t fool me; I know you haven’t done so in six months.) Squeeze into your tightest pair of jeans – no complaining, beauty is pain and do you want to be single forever? – and put on a Beethoven piano sonata as you waltz into the kitchen and whip up breakfast: avo toast, black coffee, and a bowl of shredded apple and Greek yogurt (Audrey Hepburn famously swore by this recipe for her “detox days.”)

The rest of the day should be devoted to efficiency and culture. Since Valentine’s Day falls favorably on a Sunday this year, spend the morning getting groceries. Your diet won’t improve if you don’t stock your fridge, and how can you find someone to date if you can’t even commit to weekly meal prep? After shopping, put on some Carla Bruni and meal prep for the week, with a break in between to stop for lunch, which will be the French secret weapon for slimness: leek soup, made out of, you guessed it, leeks, and herbs. Afterwards, pick up a book – Proust, Austen, Shakespeare, Joan Didion, or a thick volume of history are all good options – and settle onto the couch. For health, brew a pot of herbal tea. Tumeric and ginger have unparalleled health benefits. For maximized efficiency, soak your hair in a hair mask and spread a face mask on your face. Glossy lengths and a glowing complexion won’t appear by themselves, and don’t you want to find someone this year?

For dinner, finish the rest of this morning’s soup, and break out the new La Perla set that your well-meaning mother got you for Christmas. No one will see it, but self-esteem is the key here! Journal and meditate before bed, and blow out your Diptyque candle before your head hits your silk pillowcase. Never fear! Keep up these good habits, and a regular hunk is sure to come your way!

You know you love me.

XOXO,
Gossip Girl